My UFO Theory and I’m Sticking Too It

UFOs are back in the news, implying that non-humans have nothing better to do than zip about our skies. The idea is completely absurd, especially given our embarrassingly modest place in the universe.

“Space is big, really big,” intones The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. With that in mind, I’m confident any life form living in the macroscopic world, dependent on any sort of molecular chemistry, is not going to get much farther than a light-year or two. And besides, if they could master interstellar travel, it’s highly improbable that out of all the near-infinite spots to visit in this vast cosmos, they would choose to bless us with their presence.

But still, there are all these reports flying about from pilots of the responsible sort regarding UAPs (the new designation), which gives even me, the curmudgeonly skeptic, pause. Perhaps there is something else, and I think I have an answer.

But first, let me back up a bit, specifically about 100,000 to 200,000 years ago. From what I understand of the "Shore-Based Hypothesis," humans received the “gift of sentience” from eating lots of fish and shellfish, providing the Omega-3 fatty acids and DHA required to expand their brain capacity. It’s not too much of a stretch to imagine that another group of proto-humans ate a lot more fish, thus becoming far more intelligent.

The yawning intelligence differential was not lost on them, and they quickly adopted a policy of keeping as far away as possible from us Homo sapiens. In previous eras, we’d call them super-humans, but in this era of class consciousness and branding zeal, we’ll just call them HumansPlus!™ These advanced cousins of ours soon eclipsed us in all things civilizational. So, while we were busy congratulating ourselves for building a Roman Colosseum just to watch gladiators slaughter each other, the HumansPlus!™ were already on the moon doing yoga. It doesn't take much imagination to suggest that these fellow Earthlings have taken technology to astronomical heights and built vehicles of astounding ability.

“Okay,” you might say, “if they’re so smart, how come we see them fly around once in a while?” This is a good question, since they have taken extreme precautions to hide themselves over the eons. But every plan, no matter how well-thought-out, has a weak spot—and the HumansPlus!™ weak spot has a name: Teenagers.

As we know, teenagers have a problem dealing with the consequences of their actions. For example, driving the wrong way on a highway off-ramp “just for kicks” seems like a perfectly good way to seize the day. And after the inevitable happens, our hospitalized teenager won’t even ask the question, “What was I thinking?” Rather, he’d say, “It just kinda happened,” demonstrating his continuing struggle with the concept of cause and effect.

Now, it’s my conjecture that humans aren’t the only species plagued by this troublesome developmental phase. I’m sure the HumansPlus!™ have to deal with teenagers, too. Sure, an advanced teenager is a walking Large Language Model capable of reciting Pi to the ten-thousandth decimal from memory. But anticipating consequences with any accuracy is still as foreign to him as our aforementioned off-ramp warrior.

So what does all this have to do with UFOs? As mentioned, the “Plus” have taken great pains to hide from us. However, our teenage “Plus” isn't thinking about the consequence of outing an entire civilization; he's only thinking about being with his youthful crush, Sally-Borg. So, while his parents are ironically binging on Netflix to feel even more superior to us, he “borrows” the family flying saucer.

Naturally, he makes a beeline right to Sally-B’s bedroom window. After tossing a few pebbles at her window (an ancient Homo sapiens impulse lodged deep in his DNAPlus!), Sally leaps into the saucer in their trademark gravity-defying way, and off they go in search of metaphorical off-ramps.

Now, pity the poor airline pilot who is on his way to Pittsburgh International Airport (PIT) at 11:23 in the evening. It’s been a rough flight with nasty weather conditions and a food fight in the economy section caused by twelve drunk passengers. All he needs now is some glowing object buzzing about, defying all he has painstakingly learned about aerodynamics. And that’s exactly what he gets. Inside the flying saucer, our teenager at the controls is ecstatic, yipping and yelling with each impossible maneuver. Outwardly, Sally-B doesn’t seem impressed. “You’re such a dork, Zork!” she exclaims. But you can tell she’s really into it.

Of course, if, as I suspect, these sightings are debunked—say, “UFO” parts stamped ACME are found in a Home Depot dumpster somewhere—then all this goes out the window. But until then, this is my explanation, and I’m sticking to it.

This article originally appeared on RealClearScience on February 25, 2026.