Getting a Word in Edgewise

(This is the third of a four-part series.)

If you have read the previous two essays and are feeling a bit more confident, it is time to put that newfound social competence to work and help your fellow partygoer. We aren’t born minglers; it’s something we pick up in adulthood. So, for those who are struggling, we can offer our help by guiding them through the event.

There are three types of attendees who have difficulty mingling: the over-talkers, the interrupters, and the followers. Of the three, the over-talker may be the least sympathetic. On one hand, you have the earnest talker who is modest yet painfully loquacious; on the other, the braggadocio, for whom a “benevolent release” cannot come soon enough. So, when you can (and for some over-talkers, this is a challenge!), interrupt with some sort of compliment. Then say something like the following: “Can I pause you there for just a second? I find your interest in this topic engaging, but I’ve just realized I’m monopolizing your time, and I want to make sure I get a chance to meet the guest of honor before she leaves.” Yes, there is the actual question of who is monopolizing whom, but the goal is to move on. We want to keep things “kinetic” for the health of the party.

Next up are the interrupters, the flip side of the over-talker. Unlike an over-talker who shuts you out, an interrupter sabotages the conversation once you finally have the floor. If it’s someone you will never see again, let the interruption slip by. But if the interrupter continues to disrupt things, there are things that can be done. Using body language, lean in slightly while maintaining eye contact and subtly extend your hand at waist level to indicate you still have the floor. Additionally, you can say something like, “Let’s circle back to that. I want to revisit this after I finish my story.” And humor is always a good fit: “I’m like an old computer: if I get a pop-up notification mid-task, the whole system crashes!” (Okay, you can do better than that, but you get the idea.)

Finally, there is the follower. Insecure, he clings to a companion because he is ill at ease while mingling and feels comfortable only in a familiar presence. The most effective way to stop this is to overwhelm your follower with your very detailed and exciting itinerary: "I'm heading to the restroom, and then I have to make a quick check-in with the host. And my wife—I don’t know where she is! It was a pleasure, and I'm sure I'll run into you again later!" Even the most dedicated of followers isn't going to accompany you on that travelogue. In addition, the use of the follower’s name is a powerful psychological tool: “John, I'm going to head this way now to catch up with an old friend. Have a great rest of your evening." Hearing one's own name is attention-getting, making the parting message more authoritative and final.

In summary, be kind. The faux pas illustrated above are born of insecurity; handling them delicately can assuage your conversation partner’s self-doubt. By protecting your own voice without silencing theirs, you turn a potentially awkward moment into a genuine connection.